To even arrange words into phrases is even hard too, I don't even know where to start, but I need to write. I need to burst all of my thoughts into words so I'll get that sense of satisfaction.
I know that nobody's gonna read through this blog of mine and that's why i choose to write my heart out here. The latest incident that happened to me is, my breakup. My ex boyfriend left me after 3 years and 3 months being together. After all the promises, the vows, hopeful words... At the end they are all lies.
He promised to be loyal, yet he cheated. He promised to not love any other girl besides me, yet he left me. He promised to marry me, yet he broke up with me. He promised to always love me, yet he unloved me. I know that most people have already go through breakups like me. And I've known a numerous amount of people that dealt with the grievance in the hardest way. I know those feelings.
Some people might be like "It's just a man, move on, find other guy!" or "some people face a lot more than this". Yes, i used to invalidate my grievance too, a lot. I used to tell myself "Some people lose their mother, some people lose their wives, and some lose their children. Who am i to feel sad after losing a man who once was a stranger to me?"
I was wrong. I was so wrong.
If it hurts you, it hurts you.
If it makes you sad, it makes you sad.
No sadness is lesser than the other sadness. All reasons of your sadness is valid. Don't look down on your sadness. Don't always think that you're strong and you can handle the pain alone, until you let yourself to mourn your sadness alone. Always rant stuffs that have been bottling up in your heart. If you can't share your sadness to people, write, sing or even paint your sadness out. Don't feel humiliate to share your troubles with people. There's nothing wrong for people to know 1% of your life. And don't always think that you can handle your problems alone and you don't want to burden people with your problems, some people really look forward to be a good listener. You just have to find a good one.
Back to the main topic... What he did to me, and the pain he left me, is unbearable. The pain he left me is the longest I've ever encountered. It was so so hard for me, in the first 6 months. Physically, i gained weight, acnes were all over my face, i had bad dark circles due to sleep deprivation, i looked pale and sad all the time and i don't dress up no more. It's not that i intended to look pathetic and miserable, it was just because i didn't know how to look better while being heartbroken.
Mentally, i am hurting so so bad. My mind was chaotic that everything i can even think of, the memories i had with my ex will be inserted in between of them. Whenever i see something, i can always linked them with my ex. I eat and thought of him. I sing and thought of him. I even thought of him while pooping lol. I thought of him before i sleep and he's also the first thing that came to my mind the moment i woke up. To make things harder, the road we passed together and every place we've been together, will always remind me of him. It sucks, because i didn't ask to think of him, but i can't resist the thoughts of him everywhere in my mind.
Ok i write quite a lot. I'll write more in the next blog. To be continued gittew
No comments:
Post a Comment