Hello again.
The point from my previous write up is, breakup hurts like hell, it kills me inside.
That one person became someone special to me, from a complete stranger. He approached me, and confessed, and convinced me to accept his love. He even begged me to not leave him, because he thought that he'll hurt so much if i do. How ironic, men's heart is very unpredictable. They'll love you today, and they can easily unlove you tomorrow. I always wonder how did they do that?
In my situation, initially i thought that this was all my fault. My weakness and attitude made him leave. I thought that I'm the one who triggered him to unlove me and left. I thought that he just realized that he deserves someone better. But I'm glad i have good friends around me. I'm thankful my circle are all supportive towards what I've been encountering after the breakup. Especially Amyas, Mizwo and Syasya. Syasya will contact me at least once every two weeks to catch up with me. Even she'll not mention about the breakup sometimes but I'm happy she was there.
Amyas and Mizwo are OPs.
Three of us will be on the phone almost every two days, talking with each other from 11pm until 3am. Most of the times, they'll listen to me ranting about how sad and angry i am, and most of the times they'll give me words of encouragement too. Every week, we'll watch movies through discord together. At least by them being there, i know that I'm not alone. I know that i should appreciate my friends and family even more.
My family.
I didn't plan on telling them because it was humiliating. But one day, i accidentally cried to my mom, telling her that f (my ex) and i have broke up. She comforted me and reminded me that I'm at fault too. I should reflect myself too. I was so grateful that she was there the entire time. And one day i cried badly, and she called my dad over. My dad hugged me long while I was sobbing hard in his arms. His daughter's first heartbreak. And i am thankful too that he was there. He always told me that there are tons of better men for me out there. He rarely blame me, he'd usually mocked my ex and called him with names just to entertain me 😂. And my younger brother, he always made fun of my ex. I love and appreciate their company so much.
Back to what I was saying, these good people around me remind me that it was not my fault entirely. Maybe i did something that upset f, but he was the one making decision. I can accept the fact that his love is gone and we're better off alone, but what upset me the most, a few weeks after our separation, he's talking to a new girl. Happily, as if he's not affected with the breakup. While i was at my worst, bawling my eyes out every single night. I feel betrayed so much. He brought her to the restaurant he brought me during my 19th birthday. Yes, i was toxic at that time, i stalked them a lot. Very unhealthy. And I'd cry hard on their happiness.
It hurts when he easily found a replacement, while i was still in denial of what has happened. Like Olivia said, "guess you didn't cheat, but you're still a traitor" (thanks Olivia for releasing songs that relate to me 🤣)
I was sooo toxic to them and myself for 6 months since our breakup. I even went to clinic because i suffered for anxiety attack many times after the breakup. Tight chest, palpitation, super dry mouth, dizziness, sleep deprivation and the list goes on.
I always say to myself, that I hope the pain of what i went through, will not be suffered by anybody because the pain is very unusual. It stings so much that it makes your life miserable. But the only person i hope will suffer just like how i suffered is him, the one who make me feel like this.
Okay we'll continue to #3 hehehe
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