the last phase #4

Continued from the latest post (overcoming phase #3) 

(I KIV-ed from writing anything on my blog because i didn't have time to finish this whole page as i have started my degree. But i here i am, finishing the whole page as i have already wrote a halfway through.)

I think, healing phase would be the hardest for me to write. Because it is the phase that I've never thought I'd encounter.

From my previous writeup, I've done numerous things that can be done in order for me to recover. Even though i feel much better than the first few months, there are still small pieces of my shattered heart that haven't been glued. Yet. And to Allah i pray my heart out. With a firm belief that He will definitely grant what I hope for in the future.

As days went by, I thought I was still the same me who's sad and shattered after being left, but there are many angels-God-sent to remind me how much i have improved, in terms of maturity, mindsets, physical look and etc. I was too occupied with my work and busy with preparing everything before continuing my degree to realize all of these. But deep inside, i am very very thankful for the little improvements i have achieved. Doesn't matter if nobody realizes, because at the end of the day, it is my own validation that i am looking for.

I push myself every single day, remind myself that i am enough and keep saying the same prayers each time. I was at the peak of letting go and move on. I started to forget about how does my ex look like. And i cringe whenever his face accidentally appeared on my mind. 

In the first few months when it was all still hard, i hated him so much, because i still have hope for him and was still in denial. But after 10 months he left, i don't feel much hatred left, because my mind started to remind me that he is nobody anymore and why should i use my energy to hate him as he's a nobody. And that was how it started; the confidence and urge to perform salh istikharah, a prayer which muslims perform to ask for His guidance, to seek for the answers. And i performed it so Allah could guide me, what should i do next?

I performed it for 3 days but i can hardly remember, was i performing it 3 days in a row or do i skipped any days. And a day after, something happen to me, which make me forget to think about my ex the entire day. Which makes me feel as if i was never left to be heartbroken. As if i am happy all the time. It was a long story, and it was a special story that deserves to be told separately from this page.

But to make it short, since that very first day after i performed 3 times istikharah, i started to feel happy again. i started to smile again. i started to listen to love songs again. i started to stop stalking my ex. And it shows that istikharah isn't just for answers-seeking, but whatever happens after that, is also an answer. And the answer to my istikarah is, letting go of my ex, and accepting the new person who enters my life right after that. 

And just like that, this new guy crashed the throne that once sat by my ex, and he created a new one, which is bigger, nicer and higher. He makes me feel like i deserve to still be loved. He shows me that loyalty is still valid. 

Not that i rely my value to people, it's just i am used to value myself alone. I realized that all these while, it's me alone who loves people more than they love me. And the day this new guy entered my life, i am loved more than i can even love myself.